Every respectable organization has a FAQ (Frequently Asked
Questions) file.
This is ours.
Q. How did the Sinkie Association begin?
A. Late one afternoon in 1991, Norm Hankoff was standing at
his kitchen sink, scarfing down tuna salad, using extra-strength,
corrugated potato chips as utensils.
Inexplicably, something compelled him to raise his eyes in mid-chew. There, just like in every comic book, above his head he saw a light bulb burning brightly. As he stood there puzzled, directly above the bulb appeared not the traditional word IDEA, but the letters SINKIE. At that instant, what he saw finally made sense. Hankoff, and millions of others around the world, had, for hundreds of years, been "SINKIES" without realizing it. Then, he turned on the cold water faucet and garbage disposal and "Poof!" the light bulb disappeared. He knew he had been present at the birth of a nice little cottage industry, which someday would become big enough to do worthwhile things for deserving people.
From this extraordinary beginning, Norm Hankoff decided to dedicate a significant portion of the rest of his life to the betterment of SINKIEKIND, while causing his children and grandchildren as little embarrassment as possible.
Q. Who is eligible for Sinkie membership?
A. Only people who eat.
Q. Should Thanksgiving be re-named Sinkie Day Eve?
A. Works for us.
Q. What's airline food?
A. An oxymoron.
Q. I plan to roast my Thanksgiving turkey using only the pilot
light. When should I put my bird in the oven?
A. No later than the 4th of July.
Q. What's Arachibutyrophobia?
A. The fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth.
Q. What is the mission of the Sinkie Association?
A. To reduce the clutter in our lives, starting with tables and chairs.
Q. Is your goal to make eating a simpler, more relaxed, less
pretentious activity?
A. Indeed! The velocity of pomposity is an atrocity.
Q. What's the greatest thing since sliced bread?
A. The sandwich. Probably a patty melt.
Q. Are Sinkies all that informal?
A. Darn right! We don't have meetings, but if we did, we'd
conduct them according to Bob's Rules of Order.
Q. Would you like fries with that?
A. What?
Q. Paper or plastic?
A. Huh?
Q. To be or not to be?
A. You call that a question?
Q. How do you rate "The Official Sinkies Don't Cook
Book?"
A. We give it Two Crumbs Up!
Q. I'm somewhat concerned about ambience.
A. Ambience Schmambience!
Q. Are many singles and seniors Sinkies?
A. Does a taco drip on your shoe?
Q. If I'm in a hotel, hungry for fast food, what do I do?
A. Call Vroom Service.
Q. Every time I eat over the kitchen sink, must I send you
people a royalty?
A. No, but we won't stand in your way.
Q. Is dining over the sink considered an eating disorder?
A. Not by us.
Q. What do you think of the name, "The Casual Comfort
and Convenience Cuisine Consortium?"
A. We prefer "Sinkies."
Q. Are operators standing by?
A. Probably, but not here.
Q. On which day of the week is it best to strain food?
A. We'll have to check our colander.
Q. Why do people like "The Official Sinkies Don't Cook
Book?"
A. Because it has a good beat and it's easy to dance to.
Q. They're neither liquids nor solids. So, ketchup, mayonnaise
and honey are known as Thixotropic Substances. What do you think of that?
A. Thanks a lot. We just lost our appetite.
Q. Did you hear about the guy who was on such a strict diet
that he didn't even listen to dinner music?
A. No, tell us about it.
Q. Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
A. Lawyers!
Q. Speaking of lawyers, what's your policy on privacy?
A. We believe that anything you do at your own kitchen sink is your own
business. But, closing your blinds couldn't hurt.
Q. What's your policy on cookies?
A. We strongly recommend cookies as a delicious substitute for spoons when eating ice cream (straight from the carton, of course). Just let the ice cream sit out and soften for a few minutes. Any rigid cookie (an Oreo, for example) will do.
Q. Um, we were thinking about the cookies that companies send to your
computer on the Internet.
A. What? How do I sign up for that service? What does my computer want
with cookies, anyway? Where does it get the ice cream? Quick! Tell me!
Q. No, no. Cookies are little data files that companies send to your
computer. Your computer then sends them back to let the companies know who you are
and what you did the last time you visited their site. Does the Sinkie site
send cookies to its visitors?
A. Nope. We don't see any reason to be giving away our cookies. We still have lots of ice cream left in our freezer.
Q. Okay, what about SPAM?
A. SPAM? Monty Python certainly did just about everything anyone can do with SPAM.
Q. No, no, no, we mean the Internet variety. Y'know, junk e-mail. What's your policy on that?
A. Well, if it detracts from snacking, it's bad. But, why did they name
something so offensive after something so popular that's been around for at least 5,000 or 10,000 years? Maybe they should give junk e-mail a new name. They could call it SPLAT.
Q. We'll take that under advisement. Now, in your infinite wisdom, what do you think is the greatest potential for the Internet?
A. We keep hearing about "fatter pipelines" coming into every home. So, we'd
like to think that someday our smart fridge will just automatically keep downloading our favorite snacks. That way, we'll never run out. Please don't pinch me. I don't want this dream to ever end.
Q. Must Sinkies always be standing over their kitchen sinks?
A. No, and we're glad you asked. They can be standing in front of
their open refrigerators, rummaging around the leftovers, taking
inventory of the contents, drinking milk straight from the carton. Sinkies can be
eating on the run, grabbing a jelly doughnut while racing out the door in
the morning late for work. They can be dashboard dining in the car. They can
have a desk lunch of M&Ms and Diet Pepsi from the vending machines
in the break room. In other words,
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Standing In Nutritious Kitchens Ingesting Everything |
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